WARNING: You’re about to travel through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of a stable genius’ mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of marketing imagination. That’s the signpost up ahead – your next stop, the Twilight Zone!
Screw Vladimir. He said the media hated me so much that reporters would drink disinfectant just to show how dangerous my covid cure idea was. I was looking forward to watching that bitch Maggie Haberman from the failing New York Times puke her brains out. Would have wiped that smug look off NBC’s Peter Alexander’s face. CNN’s Acosta would have finally shut the fuck up. My base would have loved it and believed all along I was kidding. P.T. Barnum knew what he was talking about.
But no, some marketing genius at Lysol spoiled my plans. The company rushed out a news release warning people not to drink their stuff, so the media didn’t have to prove it. Motherfuckers! Barr has assured me he can nail Lysol’s owner for the opioid stuff. YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE DONALD! I learned from Roy Cohn.
The Times again is predicting my demise, just like they did in 2015. The public isn’t swallowing –– swallowing, get it? I’m so frickin clever — that I was only being sarcastic about drinking disinfectant. I need to find a way to show the idea had merit. The “fake news” media must be put back in their place. I’m going to crush their corrupt little minds.
Let me put on my stable genius thinking cap and come up with a plan . . .
DISSOLVE TO WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM, PEOPLE CLEANING
PAN TO KAYLEIGH MCENANY, WIPING DOWN LECTURN
MCENANY: Hi, I’m Kayleigh McEnany, Donald Trump’s new press secretary – at least I was when we filmed this commercial three hours ago.
Whether you love or hate Donald Trump, there’s something all of America is dying to know. What cleaning product does the White House Press Office use? Because who knows more about cleaning up messes than Donald Trump’s press office?
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS STEPS INTO FRAME
SANDERS: Until now, we were sworn to secrecy. But bless his Christian heart, President Trump wants our secret known.
SEAN SPICER DANCES INTO FRAME HOLDING UP BOTTLE OF CHUG N CLEAN
SPICER: We use Chug N Clean, the first disinfectant that you can drink while you clean. It’s loaded with vitamins and natural ingredients and it kills Covid-19 and any other known virus. Chug N Clean not only keeps you hydrated but replaces the need for vaccines.
JUST FIRED PRESS SECRETARY STEPHANIE GRISHAM STEPS INTO FRAME
GRISHAM: Social distancing is so yesterday.
MCENANY, SANDERS, SPICER, AND GRISHAM TAKE SWIGS FROM THEIR CHUG N CLEAN BOTTLES AND HUG AND TONGUE-KISS EACH OTHER
ROLL INFORMATIONAL GRAPHIC
ANNOUNCER: Introducing Chug N Clean the first all-in-one disinfectant that cleans, hydrates, and vaccinates. Specially formulated by Trump University’s award-winning scientists under the careful supervision of President Trump, Chug N Clean is made with all-natural ingredients and contains just a hint of bat dung to make your mouth tingle and fresh. It cleans the toughest surfaces and you can swig it when tidying up makes you thirsty. Guaranteed to kills germs inside and out. It also damages stomach linings, so it’s also a proven weight loss product.
CUT TO MCENANY, SANDERS, SPICER, AND GRISHAM HOLDING UP CHUG N CLEAN BOTTLES
MCENANY: Take it from the folks racists and white supremacists trust most. Donald Trump has found the cure to the common cold. And he’s generously making it available to everyone – even Crazy Nancy Pelosi and Sleepy Joe Biden who’ll be jolted awake with Chug N Clean’s new caffeinated formula. Mornin Joe!
ANNOUNCER: Chug N Clean. Sold exclusively at Trump hotels and resorts and at China’s finest wet markets. Not recommended with hydroxychloroquine.
PAN TO DONALD TRUMP IN MAGA HAT HOLDING CHUG N CLEAN BOTTLE AND SMILING
Stable genius. That’s me!