Who knew that Detroit residents have the most demanding standards in America?
Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan last week rejected 6,200 doses of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine, declaring it wasn’t good enough for the good people living in the Motor City. Here in his own words was Duggan’s rationale for nixing a vaccine that could save countless lives in a city whose residents face a disproportionate risk of dying from Covid-19.
“Johnson & Johnson is a very good vaccine. Moderna and Pfizer are the best,” Hizzoner declared. “And I am going to do everything I can to make sure that residents of the city of Detroit get the best.”
Duggan’s argument was that J&J’s single-dose vaccine was only 72 percent effective at preventing moderate illness in U.S. trials, while Moderna’s and Pfizer’s two-dose vaccines were shown to be around 95 percent effective. Never mind that J&J’s vaccine was shown to be 100 percent effective preventing hospitalizations and deaths, including a more transmittable South African variant.
Duggan, who holds a law degree from the University of Michigan, sees things differently. He believes one’s high standards must never be compromised, even in the midst of a pandemic.
Taking Duggan’s argument to its logical conclusion, if Detroit’s water supply was in danger of being contaminated — a not so far-fetched possibility in Michigan – and the majority of Detroiters were at risk of dying from thirst, Duggan would reject cases of Dasani purified water because it’s not as good as Perrier.
A Detroit city hall source of mine tells me that Duggan’s rejection of J&J’s vaccine relates to a marketing campaign that Duggan plans to unveil called, “Detroit: The Best of Everything” — a bold attempt to rid the Motor City’s image as being rife with crime and corruption and make it known as the city where only the best will do.
Here are some of the other initiatives Duggan is planning:
Outlawing the Flu Vaccine
Duggan was aghast when advised the flu vaccine has an effectiveness rate of only 40 to 60 percent. “Unacceptable,” Duggan told aides. He plans to ban city residents from being jabbed with the vaccine, effective April 1.
Ordering the Tigers, Lions, and Red Wings to Relocate
Duggan’s a realist and he knows that it could be years, if ever, before the Tigers, Lions, and Red Wings win another championship. Having losing teams with “Detroit” in their names is bad for the city’s image. He wants them gone by the 2022 season.
No More Little Caesars
Duggan thinks Little Caesars is too pedestrian for Detroiters tastes. He wants stores of the Detroit-based chain shut down, replaced with London Chop House Express.
Shutting Down Henry Ford Hospital
Henry Ford has only two nationally ranked specialties, which isn’t good enough for Duggan. He wants Detroiters to have access to even better healthcare.
Duggan plans to shut down Ford hospital and extend the People Mover in a two-phase expansion. Phase One will extend the transit system to Ann Arbor, where Michigan Medicine is ranked the 11th best hospital in the country. Phase Two will extend the system to Cleveland, where the Cleveland Clinic is ranked No. 2.
Duggan decided it was too costly to extend the People Mover to Rochester, MN, where the Mayo Clinic is America’s top ranked hospital.
Sources tell me the mayors of Ann Arbor and Rochester are preparing lawsuits preventing the People Mover expansion to their cities.
Mandating Only 5-Star Hotels
Duggan has ordered all Detroit hotels to upgrade to 5-Star standards, and be competitive with the Four Seasons, Mandarin Oriental, St. Regis, and Park Hyatt. Attempts to lure the world’s top hotel brands to Motown have so far been unsuccessful.
Perrier Tap Water
Beginning in 2022, hot and cold water will no longer flow from Detroit taps. Instead, Perrier sparkling and flat water will pour from the faucets.
Banishing General Motors
Duggan insists that what’s good for GM is no longer good for Detroit. He wants Detroit associated with a car brand with more cachet like Tesla or BMW. Duggan plans to order the eviction of the automaker from its GMRENCEN headquarters and transform the complex into a giant Nino Salvaggio, the suburban upscale grocer.
When asked if Tesla might consider relocating to Detroit, CEO Elon Musk replied, “Detroit. You f—- kidding me! Isn’t that the city where the mayor rejected 6,200 doses of the vaccine in the midst of the pandemic? If I wanted to be subjected to that kind of lunacy, I would have stayed in California.”
Dismantling the Ambassador Bridge
The Ambassador Bridge connecting Detroit to Windsor, Canada is functional, but Duggan says it’s an eyesore when compared to San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge, New York’s Brooklyn Bridge, and the Mackinac Bridge. He also insists the planned Gordie Howe Bridge replacement isn’t “classy” enough and wants to halt development.
Duggan wants the Ambassador Bridge torn down immediately, arguing the Detroit-Windsor tunnel can handle the extra car traffic. Although trucks can’t pass through the tunnel, Duggan says transported goods can be wheeled through on dollies.
Turning Belle Isle Over to Windsor
As a concession to Canada for taking down the Ambassador Bridge, Duggan plans to annex Belle Isle to Windsor. “Let’s be frank,” Duggan told an aide. “Belle Isle isn’t exactly Hawaii.”
Making Grey Poupon the Official Mustard of the Motor City
Duggan has inked a ground-breaking branding deal under which Detroit will pay Grey Poupon $20 million for the right to declare the product the Motor City’s official mustard. Duggan plans to issue an edict that all Coney Islands serve the mustard.
“’Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?” is a question no Detroit resident will ever have to ask under my watch,” vows Duggan.